The girl in love
Kristelle | 19 | asian | in love
I dream of filling the world with strawberries. I'm a quiet girl but once you get to know me I'm a fun loving girl who loves to laugh. I love dancing and playing video games. I'm fond of eating, eating and eating. I'm still a girl inside a womanly body. I am an unretired internet addict.

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strawberries, dancing, hello kitty, manga, anime, fashion, gummy worms, gummy bears, skittles, mickey mouse, combos, chocolates, music, nail polish, summer, beach, city lights, friends, family, boyfriend, FOOD, good books, bb creams, night out, yogurt, mozarella, fruits, veggies, romantic movies, water, tea, LOVE, blogging, cappucino, clothes, pink, doll shoes, stuff animals, stickers.


Nintendo DS
Louis vuitton bag
Polaroid camera
Visit Paris & Disney land
Hello Kitty headset
New converse shoes
New swin suit
Hello Kitty Tote bag
Adidas Jeremy Scott Doll shoes


Layout: Nicole
Resources: I II

I’m not who I used to be.
Friday, December 2, 2011

My story:
I was stuck with a guy for 2 years. And it didn’t end in a snap which was more painful because of the mental and emotional torture he was causing me. I did everything to save the relationship. My friends were already slapping me when I tell them about these things. They wanted me to move on and be happy. They thought I lost my sanity for trying to win him back over and over again. What they didn’t know is I was already trying to get rid of him. I was even asking God to help me but the problem is Just when I’m 99% over, he gives me a spark of hope and tells me that he’ll be back, wait for him and soon he’ll come back. 1% was strong enough to pull me back again. BUT HE DIDN’T.

“My Journey: Moving On”

Thinking about him.
A part of me still thought about him. I would think back about the past, and the times we’re together. Thinking about him would trigger different emotions. Sweetness and nostalgia from the happy times. Confusion over why exactly he acted that way. Sadness, frustration and disappointment from how things turned out. Regret over what could have been. Anger and hatred for how he dealt with the situation and breaking me on the inside. Over time, these emotions had dried out into numbness. There was other times when I felt really troubled. Each time, I stopped myself, reminding that staying away was for the better. Yeah, BETTER.

Realizations that helped me move on
It took a long while, but I finally moved on 2 years after we broke up. It was through little steps, little realizations along the way that enabled me to finally put the past behind me.

Realizing he didn’t want to be with me.
I realized that if he was really serious about being together with me, he would have taken action long ago. It took me a while to accept this, but when I did I saw things much more objectively.

Realizing he’s not the ONE for me.
During the times when we were close, I saw him as my soulmate. But then, I realized if he was my soulmate, these loops wouldn’t be replaying over and over again. No matter what I did, no matter how I tried to alter the outcome, it always resulted to the same end. I kept trying to look beyond but it was a dead end. A fucking dead end. There was nothing beyond. I finally realized that he was not the one for me at all.

Forgiving Him and Myself.
Deep down, I hated him for the way he dealt with the situation. I felt he was damn irresponsible. If he didn’t like me, why did he even say all those things? No matter how I tried to give him the benefit of the doubt, a part of me still blamed him for what happened. He had played with my feelings and betrayed my trust. All the promises he made in the past were just fucking empty words. I felt like his pawn in this whole game. I was angry at him. I was really really angry I was blind enough to leave my heart in the hands of an irresponsible bullshit person. All in all, I was mad that I had not taken proper care of myself. I had let myself get hurt. Then, I realized if I wanted to truly move on, I needed to forgive him and myself. The hate was still inside me. Only by forgiving him, was I forgiving myself. I suddenly realized I had been so stupid, holding on to all of these for so long, never ever realizing that I was really just the only fucking person suffering the whole time. When I finally let them go, I couldn’t help but smile. :)

Letting him know the truth
I wrote a long email to him. For the first time, I shared my thoughts feelings transparently. I wrote about all the things that happened between us. I told him how I felt. I told him how I hated and resented him for what he had done. Finally, I told him I had forgiven him. I was ready to move on.

Living for myself
While “improving” myself made me feel better, it was just for a short while. I never seemed to be good enough. It was only a year ago where I questioned myself – What exactly was “good enough” then? I came up with a list of qualities I thought were “good enough.” Pretty? tall? petite? kind? feminine? dependent?WHAT THE FUCK??? It was then I realized these were the qualities I thought were “good enough” for him, or guys for that matter. What would happen after I acquire these qualities then? Would I be together with him? Maybe. Would he be happy? Probably. Would I be happy? I don’t know. No… I wouldn’t be happy!

I realized even if I became a girl that he would like or what I thought he would like, it wouldn’t matter because I wouldn’t be happy. I may be good enough for him then, but I wouldn’t be good enough for myself. This isn’t about the specific qualities itself, but the reason behind the desire to change. If I want to be happy, I myself need to happy, first and foremost.

End of a Chapter, Beginning of the Next!
Looking back, it has been a long journey these past few years. A journey filled with happiness, hope, sadness, disappointment, anger, self-doubt, self-hate, and at the end of it, deep revelations, growth, and an all-new self-awareness. Yet, I recognize everything that has happened has helped me become a better person. I’m grateful for that.

My current boyfriend brought me back to life. He made me believe in “FOREVER” again. I suddenly forgot how it felt like when I was hurting like hell. Do I sound like I speak of Prince Charming from Walt Disney’s films? You can’t blame me! I’m very happy and yeah I feel like I’m Cinderella, Snow White, Princess Aurora and Ariel all at the same time. To be honest, I didn’t like him that much at first. But then he was persistent. I was falling for him unconsciously and now we already had 6 months together. Since then life was a lot better. I found a better man and as days pass by I realized that he’s everything I wanted ever since. He is exactly the same guy I was wishing for. I would love him more than anyone in the history of the world. More than Juliet loved Romeo, more than Rose loved Jack and even more than Bella loved Edward. God granted my prayers at the most perfect time and moment of my life (Now I believe that God has only 2 answers for every wish we make, Yes and Wait). Now you know why I speak like a Disney Princess. <3

Reader, if you’re going through the same thing I’ve experienced, I’m sorry that you’re experiencing so much pain right now. I know, It is very very difficult to get over a relationship. Let go and be strong! He does not at all have a hold of your heart. YOU are the one that is holding on and won’t let go. YOU are the only person who has the power to let go. Letting go begins with you accepting that even though he once loved you, he no longer feels the same as before. Be grateful for the experience and tell yourself the memories of what you had together will remain with you forever but right now, the most important person you should be thinking about is YOU. Yes, it’s hard BUT you have to for your own sake. Start giving yourself the attention you’re giving to him. Do things that make you happy. Don’t feel guilty when you feel deep sadness and cry. Crying is a part of the healing process. let the tears flow, then gather yourself up and keep going! So many people have done it before and many more are doing it everyday, YOU too can do it! Don’t forget to pray! :)

             we fall in love with the wrong person. But that "wrong" person prepared us for the "right" one.        

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